Wal-Mart Pie: Parody

Wal-Mart Pie
A parody of Don McLean's "American Pie"
Parody by Ajmooch

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember How
Sam Walton used to save me dimes.
And I knew if he had his chance
That he would sell the world pants
And, maybe, we’d buy toothpaste for a time.

But Fifth of April made me shiver
With every truckload I'd deliver.
Bad news on the storefront;
The workers’ words were more blunt

I cried into my fuzzy dice
When I dropped off my bags of ice,
And everything was at half price
The day the merchant died.

So bye-bye, Mister Wal-Mart Guy.
Tried to save me honest money
For the things I would buy.
And the stockholders claimed dividends with a cry,
Singing, “This’ll split ‘til it hits the sky”
“This’ll split ‘til it hits the sky.”

Did you shop at the old store
Where prices were marked up so much more,
‘Til discount stores came along.
Do you believe in saving cash,
Can markups give you a face rash,
And can toe cream sell right out in a flash?

Well, I know Sam's one heck of a dude,
Cause he sells Moon Pies as though they were food,
He'd built a store or two
And they'd stuck like crazy glue!

He was a homely guy with lots of pluck,
With a pre-owned plane and a pickup truck,
And just tryin’ to make a buck
And so Discounts arrived.

I started singin',
Hi, Hi , Mister Sam Walton, I
Think you're sellin' really well and
I would like to try
To drive trucks for you until the day that I die,
He said "Son, I think you're my type of guy."
"Son, I think you're my type of guy."

Now for twenty years we've grown and grown
And profit sharing bought my home,
But that's not how it used to be.
When Old Woolco was startin' to leave,
And Wal-Mart was barely breaking even
With the stuff delivered by me

Oh and while Woolco was breaking down  
Sam stole all those smaller towns
The Wall Street journals burned
The stock gave higher returns
And while Sammy sold his Moon Pie Box,
He grabbed locations like a fox
And I blocked traffic like rocks
The day that Woolco died.

We were singing,
"Bye, Bye, chauvinistic old guys."
Nothin' sold and now they fold,
And all their coffers are dry.
And the CEO's threw down their hats with a sigh,
Sayin, "Now we're broke and we don't know why."
"Now we're broke and we don't know why."

Helter skelter in a summer swelter.
The business grew like a brand new welt fer'
50 stores and growing fast
Recalling all the days we'd passed
We'd finally hit it big at last
With the Moon Pies on the side aisle behind glass

One day Sam tried to leave the room
Cash registers rang out a tune
We went to buy our pants
Ah! But we never got the chance
Cause Ron Mayer tried to take the field
Ferold Arend refused to yield
Do you recall what was revealed
The day old Sam retired?
We started singing,
"Why, why'd you leave us to this guy?"
He's kind of crazy and he's lazy
And he thinks he can fly.
So when Sam came back, Ron left us all with a sigh,
Saying, "That's too bad, I guess I'll retry."
"That's too bad, I guess I'll retry."

Oh, now we're all over the place
A Wal-Mart nation lost in space
The only place to shop again
So come on: Sam be nimble, Sam be quick,
Sam's age caught up and made him sick,
Cause old age will surely bring an end

Oh, and as I learned about his state
I worried for our company's fate.
Everyone could tell
That things would go downhill.
And as the newscasts played into the night
To enlighten us about the fight
I saw people crying with fright
The day the merchant died

Bye-bye, Mister Wal-Mart Guy.
Tried to save me honest money
for the things I would buy.
And associates looked up with tears in their eyes,
Singing, “This’ll be the day we all fry,"
"This'll be the day we all fry."

I met a man in Wal-Mart blues
And I asked him for some happy news
But he just screamed and ran away.
I went down to the Wal-Mart store
Where I’d bought cheap toothpaste  before
But the man there said that I should go away
And in the streets the vendors screamed
The execs cried, and the unions dreamed
But not an item was sold
The Hot Pockets all went cold
And the three things Sam had loved the most,
His wife, His kids, and the Quail Roast
They sent his moon-pies coast-to-coast
The day the merchant died.
And they were singing,

Bye-bye, Mister Wal-Mart Guy.
Tried to save me honest money
For the things I would buy.
And associates looked up with tears in their eyes,
Singing, “This’ll be the day we all fry,"
"This'll be the day we all fry."

We were singing,
Bye-bye, Mister Wal-Mart Guy.
Tried to save me honest money
For the things I would buy.
And associates looked up with tears in their eyes,
Singing, “This’ll be the day we all fry,"